With A Heavy Heart

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever and love me, I pray
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care
And take us to Heaven to live with Thee there.

*note, this is not our elf. This photo is not mine*

My daughter went to school yesterday morning, the same as every day. I woke her up at 6:20, gave her a banana, toast and milk for breakfast. Shoes on, hair and teeth brushed, lunch packed and jacket zipped, we were out the door at 6:45 and she was at school by 7:00. I signed her in, put her backpack on its hook, and walked away with a quick "I love you! See you later!" over my shoulder as I walked. She repeated my words back to me, and I went to work  smiling.

I don't think I've ever held my daughter tighter than I have since 3:30 Friday afternoon. I don't think I ever noticed the freckle on her neck, just under her chin before. Or the slight curve of her right big toe. Just little things I've noticed in the last few hours as I've tried to absorb every detail of my beautiful girl. I've memorized the tone of her voice, her cadence, her inflection. The difference between laughing at something funny, and laughing at something that makes her nervous - most often, Mowgli. I know every shade of every strand of hair on her head. And it took a tragedy in Connecticut to make me sit still and look. To hush up and listen. To take the time to take her in. This is not the first time tragedy or senseless disaster has struck our world during my lifetime. It won't be the last, I'm sure. But for some reason, this one really hit me. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because I'm a mom. Either way, my heart is hurting.

This post is for Lily. This post is for the children I have yet to bear. This post is for my students. This post is for the children I love, the children you love, the children we all have yet to know. This post is for you. This post is for me. This post is for

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hocksprung, 47
Madeline Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto, 27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6

This post is my very small part to recognize these people by their names. Each one - even the adults - is someone's child. I say their names out loud for them.

 I say their names out loud for their mamas. My heart broke with theirs. I cry with them, I grieve with them, one mama to another.

And I will never forget to not just watch my daughter, but see her; not to just hear her, but to listen to her; and to be thankful every single day she comes home to me.

God bless Newtown, Connecticut. God bless those children and educators. God bless their families. God bless us all.

November - it was wonderful

Yes, I know it's December. Similar to my October post, I just have a few random pictures and some captions to try to piece together a month full of crazy beautiful wonderful stressful emotional fabulous heartbreaking - yes, heartbreaking - month (see Seminole football). That, plus the fact that I don't have a SINGLE picture from Thanksgiving, all adds up to one hot mess of a mama. Between work, grad school, Lily's activities, Jason's insane work schedule, my volunteer commitments and the holidays, I haven't had time to take a breath, much less take a picture. New Year resolution: take more pictures. I feel like I've said that before...

 

Anyway, here's a breakdown of the month (minus Thanksgiving....bad, mommy, bad!)

 



 

 

 

 

The first weekend of the month actually skipped forward a bit on the holiday calendar, as the Junior League of Tallahassee put on our annual Jingle Jubilee, our premiere holiday shopping event featuring vendors from all over the country. Fabulous shopping, performances by local dance companies and a special pancake breakfast with Santa and Mrs. Claus for the kids (and me...). It was wonderful.

 

 

Speaking of wonderful, I adore this time of year. Fabulous décor and pumpkin flavored goodies aside, this time of year is the best simply because it's the time of year when everyone comes home. I am one of the few who stayed here in town after high school, and one of even fewer who set up house here after college. I love seeing pictures of my friends in all of their dream-following, change of pace and place lives. Some day, when flight rates drop, I'll visit them. But for now, text messages and phone dates get me through the week. While I haven't yet regretted staying home - Tallahassee is proving to be a perfect place for our growing family - I do miss them something fierce. Come November, though, communication changes. Their voices are clear because they're in the same room as I am, not at the other end of a phone line. The sparkle in their eyes is brighter than ever because it's not being blurred by webcams. Their hugs and smiles beat a text message alert any day. I love it when they come home.

 

 

 

Kyla came home for a blink before she had to head back to NYC. No worries, though, she'll be moving back to Tally in January! Woohoo!

 

 

 

Lisa also came home along with our friend Kristen (from D.C and Las Vegas, respectively). We all met up at the FSU v. UF game to cheer on our Seminoles! Apparently we weren't cheering loud enough....I don't want to talk about it. Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking. But it was just fabulous visiting and tailgating! #NoleFanForever

 

 

The end of Thanksgiving and the FSU/UF game mark the official beginning of the Christmas season. I met up with some Junior League gals at our local Painting With a Twist and made a new item for the house:

 

Yep - I'm an artist, now. No big deal.

 

 

The new art, plus our usual decorations, plus a whole new heap of decorations (after an emergency run to Hobby Lobby. The décor we had to decorate our townhouse barely covers a single room in our new house. That just would not do!) have all been put up, minus a Christmas tree and a few other finishing touches. Working on the tree....have I mentioned we're busy? Anyway, after the stocking were hung by the chimney with care (because I have a chimney now! How cool is that?!?!), we lit our first fire. As with everything else, it was wonderful.

 

October - all of it!

Yeah, it's December. Not even going start with the apologies or excuses. You know how it goes!Here's an October dump for ya.

 

 

Pumpkin picking to kick off the month!

 

 

 

 

 

With the pumpkins picked and carved, pumpkin spice lattes in hand, we began Halloween celebrations!

 

 

Candy Corn outfit for Halloween day. Thanks, Aunt Annette!

 

 

 

Tucker, his family, and Alisha came over for trick-or-treating! A little pre-costume photoshoot.

 

 

 

Quick costume change and some candy pre-gaming. Lily definitely has her eye on the prize!

Family pic! Happy Halloween!

The Holiday Season

The pumpkins are here! Halloween is a little over one week away and we are in full fall swing. I've been keeping the windows around me open whenever possible and today marked out first official fall activity - the pumpkin patch. Picking out our pumpkins, playing in the hay, avoiding scarecrows at all cost and watching a marathon of Halloween movies (thanks, ABC Family!) while snacking on sandwiches and laughing with friends marks the first of our seasonal celebrations. What a wonderful time of year! Here are a few shots from the Patch:

 

 

So take a look at this one from this morning:

 

 

Now take a moment and check this out from Baby Girl's first pumpkin patch visit. Now beathe deep and let it sink in. Yep, she's growing up way too fast!

 

So sweet.

Cuddles with Daddy

 



 

Posing with Mommy

The Campbells came, too! Lily and Tucker has a blast climbing over the pumpkins and then playing around in the back yard after we got home. They are so wonderful together!

 

 

A wonderful day to kick off a wonderful season. I'm sure I've said it before, but as far as I'm concerned, the Holidays begin with Halloween and end with Mardi Gras. That said, happy holidays, y'all!

A Work in Progress

I would like to start by saying that I am useless as an interior designer. I can arrange flowers and create tablescapes with moderate confidence, but when it comes to putting whole rooms together, I'm at a loss. I have no spacial reasoning skills and my eye for color is often a few shades off. But that's the good thing about owning your home, right? I can always start over if I need to. I will say, though, so far I think I'm doing OK!

 

It's a work in progress, but here's a quick update! We've been in the house for a few weeks now, and with me working all day and Jason working nights, it's tough to make a lot of progress during the few hours between! But it's definitely coming along. With the new space, the rooms are still looking pretty bare, and since painting the walls took about 2 weeks (again, we didn't have a lot of time between job shifts), I am 100x more hesitant to start putting things up on the wall than I have ever been before. I feel like every nail I hammer into the wall needs to be a certainty, like putting an unnecessary hole would be an insult and an injury to all the hard work!

 

But, after all is said and done, it is truly starting to feel like home. The furniture is coming into place, and Lily and Mowgli have found their own separate world in our new backyard. There is really is no place like it!

 

 

OK so a few before-and-almost-after pictures!

 



 

 

 

This is the living room before. The walls and mantle were a blue-gray with a red accent wall behind the fireplace.

 

This is the painting in progress. I had a little too much fun putting the monogram over the mantle!

 

Almost finished product! The walls are Hazy Sage from Glidden and the mantle is now a true white to match the baseboard.

 

 

This is the dining room before.

 



 

Dining room almost after! It's a rich blue with warm woods, jewel tones and brass accents (chandelier and switchplates). We are in the process of putting the paintings on the walls and finding a piece to store our china and Waterford. Definitely the most dramatic room of the house - more pictures of this one to come!

There's No Place Like It...

 

 

Color me happy and just call me Susie Homeowner! After several years of saving and planning, we finally did it. We have our own home! No more white walls, thin walls and noisy neighbors. No more fighting for parking spots and paying for laundry. We are now the proud owners of a roomy abode with a huge backyard complete with oak tree and swing. The kids are thrilled. A few snapshots of the past two weeks:

 

 

Closing! We worked out seating arrangements so we could sign at the same time. We're very efficient. 

 

Family photo! Lily loved that sign - but I think we did more!

Over the threshold.

 

 

Boxes are packed and are slowly, but surely getting moved. I have paint practically tattooed on me for as hard as I scrub, I can't seem to get it all off! We've made a ton of cosmetic changes to the inside - before and after pictures coming soon!

 

We are just so excited to have a place to call our own. Holidays, showers, parties and family gatherings just got 100x better; Mowgli has a yard to play in and we all have more room to spread out! We're all breathing just a little bit deeper, with smiles just a little bit wider. Such a happy time! 

Unknown Territory

 I think I've lost my mind. Not only have I cooked a healthy meal for dinner (healthy meaning, not meat and butter based), but it's also all 100% organic. I don't know whether this is a cause for pride or a therapy session as I'm obviously smack dab in the middle of an identity crisis. I'm all for organics and natural ingredients, but I've never gone out of my way to acquire said materials. However, when my mother presented the opportunity to take part in a produce co-op, I had to give it a try.  In our first share delivery, we received a random sample of berries, tomatoes, fruits, and one giant enigmatic gourd. So what is the mystery veg? Ladies and gents, I give you, the spaghetti squash!

Here's how you rock a spaghetti squash:

OK, so first you cut the thing in half length ways. This recipe is fabulous because it gives you two totally legitimate excuses to avoid the gym: 1, as previously stated, this is a healthy meal (that means you don't have to work out, right?). 2, it takes every muscle in your upper body to wrench the sucker apart.

Then, you gut it like a pumpkin, removing all the seeds. Put it, cut side down, on a lightly greased (OK I had to use SOME butter, but it's not butter-based, and that's what makes this extraordinary). Roast it at 350 for 35 minutes.

While the squash is a roastin, saute a small onion, three small tomatoes and garlic (all organic, bien sur!) in some olive oil.

When the squash is done, scrape out the insides with a fork into a bowl. Here's the nifty part: the insides form the shape of a spaghetti noodle! No kidding! A spaghetti squash produces spaghetti shaped squash meat! Mind blown.

Empty the shavings into a bowl and toss with tomato mixture, some feta cheese, fresh basil and spinach. It looks, tastes and feels just like pasta. It's pretty and delicious and fabulous and it won't clog your arteries.

To make things even better, the portion you see above is only half the dang gourd! I shaved the rest and popped it in the freezer (it apparently freezes beautifully) for future use - more than likely the next time I get a group of those fabulous tomatoes.

While I'm thrilled with this whole new world of healthy fabulousity, I'm still not feeling right about all of this no-meat-barely-a-hint-of-butter recipe thing. I'm thinking a batch of sugar cookies will restore balance to my world...

Hooray for Daddy!

Happy birthday, Daddy!

Today, you are officially closer to 30 than you are to 20, and you've never looked better!

We celebrated with a fantastic breakfast in bed, lots of fantastic video games (still such a kid!) and a fantastic dinner at Hurricane Grill with lots of friends - we took up the whole porch area! Drinks, wings (extra spicy for the birthday boy), and all the fried pickles I could eat - it was a fantastic day! Lily got into the celebrations by dancing for our group to the music being played outside - sweet tea in one hand, crayons in the other. Such a party girl.

Tomorrow, Mommy goes back to work and Lily goes back to school. Happy birthday, Jason and bye bye, summer. Bring on the cooler weather, tailgating, pumpkin spice lattes, boots and chunky sweaters!

Aunt Lisa Love!

Aunt Lisa came home for a visit! Lisa and I have been friends since high school. She was a bridesmaid in our wedding and as soon as we knew we were to become parents, we knew Lisa was to be an aunt. For the past several years, she has lived in enemy territory (the North), making her home in New York, and now Washington, D.C. It's always such a treat when she comes home for a visit and today was just wonderful. She came bearing cupcakes and we had a marvelous time!



Lily and Aunt Lisa!

I'm really going to miss her!

Lisa's next visit won't be until Thanksgiving, and I can't wait! We love Aunt Lisa! 

Summer - All Of It (warning: super long post!)

Hey there! We're still here, I swear! I feel like as soon as the last school bell rang in June, my days and weeks all blurred into one and I spent every waking moment focusing on enjoying the free time. And enjoy it, I did! It has been a wonderful, crazy, eventful summer. So eventful, in fact, that instead of giving y'all the play-by-play (we'd be here for hours), I'll just give you a quick list and a picture or two of some highlights (you're welcome).

So, with a deep breath, here is a bit of the Lazar Family Summer, in no particular order (again, my days are all blurred together:

~We adopted a hedgehog. It's a long story, but her name is Petunia and she's adorable. She'll soon be making her new home at school as a class pet.

~ Jason has almost completed his first phase as a Rookie cop - Yay Daddy!

~ I joined the Junior League! Anyone want to buy a fabulous cookbook? We had our first community event a week ago and I am already in love with this wonderful organization!

~ Jason and I celebrated 3 years of happy married life! We returned to Henderson Beach in Destin and had a fantastic time. Many thanks to our parents for making small vacations possible!



~ Lily is officially potty trained! No more diapers here. Panties and potty dances abound!

~ I have mastered two new recipes this summer: banana bread muffins and a fabulous baked salmon. It took trials, tears, and a few calls for an emergency dinner-saving pizza, but we finally nailed 'em! Yum!

~ Baby's first X-Ray. Yep, Lily swallowed a penny. She was playing with blocks, and all of a sudden began to cough. I rush over and, sort of thinking aloud, asked, "what in the world did you just eat?" She swallowed hard and said, with a huge grin on her face, "Penny!" Cue Mommy's heart attack and frantic calls to Kiki and pediatrician. A check up and X-Ray later, we were told to wait for it to "pass." Poop patrol lasted about a week before we all agreed that it had indeed come out and we had simply missed it. Blegh. But aren't her insides lovely?

~ I started grad school! On my way to a Master's, y'all, courtesy of the University of West Florida. Woohoo! Go Argos!

~There are several other developments which came out of this summer, but I'll get to those later!

School is starting up again soon. Lily goes back next week and my middle schoolers start the 20th. The summer has really flown by! I'm going to spend this weekend enjoying every last second of this wonderful time of year!

A Time To Grow

I've always felt that people do most of their growing to adulthood over summer vacation as kids. Physically, people would come back to school in the fall with fresh hair cuts, healthy glows and revitalized spirits. Emotionally, we grew through the simultaneous ecstasy and heartbreak of summer flings. Mentally, we came that much closer to the understanding that nothing lasts forever, especially the things you most want to. Yes, summer vacation as a child is a time for much growth and learning. However, today, as Lily left for her first, last day of school, I realized the school year takes its toll, too! Take a look!

Lily's first day of school back in August:

Last day of school this morning:

My oh my how we've grown! Welcome, summer! I trust you'll treat my growing girl well.

Ode To The Blueberry

Summer is here! Let's bake!

I adore the summer months, probably more so now that I'm a teacher (hmmm wonder why that is? Riddle me that!) Along with the smell of babies in sunscreen, the visits to the sugar-white sands and clear blue waters of the coast and best tasting seafood of the year, one of the greatest heralds of the summer months is the majestic blueberry (yes, they're majestic. Don't try to argue). I eat these things like candy, ya'll, and I wanted to be sure I got the most out of their season. To start my blueberry bash, I decided to try a classic blueberry pie. But, like everything else in my life, this seemingly simple dish comes with a story!

You see, I have never been able to create a decent blueberry pie. Apple pie? No probem. Peach cobbler? Kid stuff. But my blueberry pies have always come out delicious, but in the form of blueberry syrup or blueberry mush rather than a free-standing piece of heaven. I would always just end up using my cooked filling as syrup over ice cream and the crust for texture, but not this year! This year, I did my research. I googled, I blogged, I put the feelers out, and, with the help of my dear friend, Alisha, and few more attempts at tweaking everyone else's recipe, I think I nailed it! Seriously, it's always the easy recipes that seem to be the hardest. We won't even get into how long it took me to master a grilled cheese...

So, without furthar ado, here is my successful blueberry pie, mastered just in time for Memorial Day!

You'll need:

Pillsbury pre-made pie crust - two for a 9-inch pie dish (one day when I'm amazing, I'll make the crust on my own)

3 cups blueberries (a pint and a half - eat the other half as you're baking)

Just over 1/4 cup flour (just over 1/4 C, not quite 1/3 - it's a fine line, people!)

Just under 1 cup white sugar (JUST UNDER 1C otherwise you get into blueberry mush territory - DON'T GO THERE!)

2 tsp cinnamon

Half of a lemon

Butter

Then you:

Preheat oven to 425

Line the bottom of the pie dish with one of the crusts

Mix the flour and sugar and cinnamon (add more or less cinnamon to taste!) in a bowl

Fold in blueberries

Pour the mixture into the pie dish and squeeze the lemon juice over the top. Dot with butter.

Place the second crust over the top, sealing the sides and adding slits to vent. I prefer to get my fancy pants on and do the lattice crust (what can I say, it almost makes up for the crust not being homemade!)

Melt a bit of butter and "paint" the crust. No joke, I used one of Lily's new paint brushes. Sorry, Lily.

Sprinkle the top with sugar and place in the oven

Bake 35-40 minutes. Now, this part is very important: let it cool a bit before cutting in! Otherwise, mush city! Let it get to that "daybreak in July" temp, not cool, not hot, just warm. Serve with vanilla ice cream or on its own. Nailed it!

Up next? Blueberry muffins, blueberry pancakes, blueberry/blackberry cobblers, the possibilities are endless! 

Goodness Gracious I Am So Sorry!

First off, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY! The Lazar family is incredibly grateful for the work and sacrifice all of our men and women in arms face each and every day. For those who have passed while serving this country, thank you.

We're still here, I swear! I have fallen so terribly behind, there is absolutely no excuse for it. Well actually, there are several excuses, but we won't get into it. That's tacky. I'm sorry, and here's a list of all the wonderful beautiful craziness that has gone down since the last post:

1. Lily took to the Terrible Twos like a titanic trout to tranquil water (I had too much fun writing that. I need a vacation).
2. St. Patrick's day weekend was a great opening number to Spring Break! Jason and I went down to Orlando for a beautiful wedding and spent the next few days in Disney World. Just us. Lily's time will come later :-)
3. Easter was fabulous.
4. Another wedding! My friend and coworker was married late April and Jason and I once again got to spend a night out all gussied up and looking fierce.
5. Spring recital has come and gone. The dancers I teach rocked out for the last time of the school year. I am so proud of them!
6. JASON WAS HIRED! Jason is now a serving officer, keeping this city safe just like he always dreamed of doing! Extremely proud family!
7. Jason's gradfather sadly passed away. Jason and I went with his parents to Virginia to say our goodbyes and visit with family. Daniel Lazar, Sr. was a kind and loving man who cherished his family. Jason and I loved his stories about growing up in Romania and fighting in the many battles that helped shape this country. While his passing was devastating, it did help us to reconnect with our family up north, and that was just lovely.
8. Uncle Will graduated high school! Last out of the nest, my baby bro is all grown up!
9. My first year of teaching is over in a week. My eighth grade students have graduated and I am thisclose to being able to call myself a "veteran" teacher. I've told them this, and I'll tell you now: they taught me more than I taught them. I am so grateful to them!

10. On a sadder note, our school lost its assistant principal on the night of the eighth grade graduation mass. The wonderful woman who had been in office even when I was a student at this school lost her battle with leukemia. She was a good and wonderful woman who lived her faith and inspired everyone around her to do the same. She was a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a friend, a teacher and a mentor. Our school will never be the same without her. We were all so lucky to have known her.

With the crazy school year behind us and the beautiful summer ahead, I hereby promise to keep this thing updated! Until September, at least!

February - All of it!

Wow it's been a while! February was a crazy/busy/beautiful month! It started with preparation for Valentine's Day, when I realized we are now at that age when we have to bring valentines to classmates at school. How did we get here so quickly? I remember in grade school decorating shoe boxes which would soon hold little messages of love, and would swear to the moon and back they were heartfelt, genuine sentiments from my peers. No no, y'all. It's totally from and for the mamas! The kids definitely get a kick out of it, but I'm fairly certain I had more fun with this than Lily did!

This year, Lily sent Bear Hugs to her classmates!

Baby girl came home with a bag full of goodies, the most impressive being a personalized cookie with the child's name written in perfect cursive with frosting. Next year.....next year...

After Valentine festivities were over, it was time to move on to Lily's birthday celebrations! Because things have truly been crazy/beautiful/really totally and completely crazy, we decided to go way more low-key than last year! No Ladybug Ball, but it was a hit, nonetheless! The family gathered for a meal of Lily's favorite foods: Chicken nuggets, french fries and cupcakes! The little girl's eyes grew to the size of baseballs seeing all this junkfood on one table - definitely a birthday treat!

Playing with Daddy and her balloon!

I'm TWO! Touchdown!

Birthday Cupcake!

She knew just what to do!

She also got a cup full of sweet tea - YUM!

Playing with her new toys with Grandpa

So tall!

Family Shot!

Ending the day cuddling with Daddy and watching Eloise. Just perfect.

Lily is growing so quickly! Dancing and clapping all the way. This girl is personality and a half, letting us all know the way things should be done. She is as opinionated and headstrong as ever, preferring to do things on her own and prove she can. She climbs anything that sits still long enough - even brother puppy Mowgli! She shares for the most part, and delights in pleasing other people. She knows the correct identification of "mama", "daddy" and even her own "Lily" arouses applause, and she eats it up. She's a star, a dictator, a leader and a scholar, and we love her so!