With A Heavy Heart

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever and love me, I pray
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care
And take us to Heaven to live with Thee there.

*note, this is not our elf. This photo is not mine*

My daughter went to school yesterday morning, the same as every day. I woke her up at 6:20, gave her a banana, toast and milk for breakfast. Shoes on, hair and teeth brushed, lunch packed and jacket zipped, we were out the door at 6:45 and she was at school by 7:00. I signed her in, put her backpack on its hook, and walked away with a quick "I love you! See you later!" over my shoulder as I walked. She repeated my words back to me, and I went to work  smiling.

I don't think I've ever held my daughter tighter than I have since 3:30 Friday afternoon. I don't think I ever noticed the freckle on her neck, just under her chin before. Or the slight curve of her right big toe. Just little things I've noticed in the last few hours as I've tried to absorb every detail of my beautiful girl. I've memorized the tone of her voice, her cadence, her inflection. The difference between laughing at something funny, and laughing at something that makes her nervous - most often, Mowgli. I know every shade of every strand of hair on her head. And it took a tragedy in Connecticut to make me sit still and look. To hush up and listen. To take the time to take her in. This is not the first time tragedy or senseless disaster has struck our world during my lifetime. It won't be the last, I'm sure. But for some reason, this one really hit me. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because I'm a mom. Either way, my heart is hurting.

This post is for Lily. This post is for the children I have yet to bear. This post is for my students. This post is for the children I love, the children you love, the children we all have yet to know. This post is for you. This post is for me. This post is for

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hocksprung, 47
Madeline Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto, 27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6

This post is my very small part to recognize these people by their names. Each one - even the adults - is someone's child. I say their names out loud for them.

 I say their names out loud for their mamas. My heart broke with theirs. I cry with them, I grieve with them, one mama to another.

And I will never forget to not just watch my daughter, but see her; not to just hear her, but to listen to her; and to be thankful every single day she comes home to me.

God bless Newtown, Connecticut. God bless those children and educators. God bless their families. God bless us all.