With A Heavy Heart

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever and love me, I pray
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care
And take us to Heaven to live with Thee there.

*note, this is not our elf. This photo is not mine*

My daughter went to school yesterday morning, the same as every day. I woke her up at 6:20, gave her a banana, toast and milk for breakfast. Shoes on, hair and teeth brushed, lunch packed and jacket zipped, we were out the door at 6:45 and she was at school by 7:00. I signed her in, put her backpack on its hook, and walked away with a quick "I love you! See you later!" over my shoulder as I walked. She repeated my words back to me, and I went to work  smiling.

I don't think I've ever held my daughter tighter than I have since 3:30 Friday afternoon. I don't think I ever noticed the freckle on her neck, just under her chin before. Or the slight curve of her right big toe. Just little things I've noticed in the last few hours as I've tried to absorb every detail of my beautiful girl. I've memorized the tone of her voice, her cadence, her inflection. The difference between laughing at something funny, and laughing at something that makes her nervous - most often, Mowgli. I know every shade of every strand of hair on her head. And it took a tragedy in Connecticut to make me sit still and look. To hush up and listen. To take the time to take her in. This is not the first time tragedy or senseless disaster has struck our world during my lifetime. It won't be the last, I'm sure. But for some reason, this one really hit me. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because I'm a mom. Either way, my heart is hurting.

This post is for Lily. This post is for the children I have yet to bear. This post is for my students. This post is for the children I love, the children you love, the children we all have yet to know. This post is for you. This post is for me. This post is for

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Daniel Barden, 7
Rachel Davino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Josephine Gay, 7
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Hocksprung, 47
Madeline Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
Jesse Lewis, 6
James Mattioli, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto, 27
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6

This post is my very small part to recognize these people by their names. Each one - even the adults - is someone's child. I say their names out loud for them.

 I say their names out loud for their mamas. My heart broke with theirs. I cry with them, I grieve with them, one mama to another.

And I will never forget to not just watch my daughter, but see her; not to just hear her, but to listen to her; and to be thankful every single day she comes home to me.

God bless Newtown, Connecticut. God bless those children and educators. God bless their families. God bless us all.

November - it was wonderful

Yes, I know it's December. Similar to my October post, I just have a few random pictures and some captions to try to piece together a month full of crazy beautiful wonderful stressful emotional fabulous heartbreaking - yes, heartbreaking - month (see Seminole football). That, plus the fact that I don't have a SINGLE picture from Thanksgiving, all adds up to one hot mess of a mama. Between work, grad school, Lily's activities, Jason's insane work schedule, my volunteer commitments and the holidays, I haven't had time to take a breath, much less take a picture. New Year resolution: take more pictures. I feel like I've said that before...

 

Anyway, here's a breakdown of the month (minus Thanksgiving....bad, mommy, bad!)

 



 

 

 

 

The first weekend of the month actually skipped forward a bit on the holiday calendar, as the Junior League of Tallahassee put on our annual Jingle Jubilee, our premiere holiday shopping event featuring vendors from all over the country. Fabulous shopping, performances by local dance companies and a special pancake breakfast with Santa and Mrs. Claus for the kids (and me...). It was wonderful.

 

 

Speaking of wonderful, I adore this time of year. Fabulous décor and pumpkin flavored goodies aside, this time of year is the best simply because it's the time of year when everyone comes home. I am one of the few who stayed here in town after high school, and one of even fewer who set up house here after college. I love seeing pictures of my friends in all of their dream-following, change of pace and place lives. Some day, when flight rates drop, I'll visit them. But for now, text messages and phone dates get me through the week. While I haven't yet regretted staying home - Tallahassee is proving to be a perfect place for our growing family - I do miss them something fierce. Come November, though, communication changes. Their voices are clear because they're in the same room as I am, not at the other end of a phone line. The sparkle in their eyes is brighter than ever because it's not being blurred by webcams. Their hugs and smiles beat a text message alert any day. I love it when they come home.

 

 

 

Kyla came home for a blink before she had to head back to NYC. No worries, though, she'll be moving back to Tally in January! Woohoo!

 

 

 

Lisa also came home along with our friend Kristen (from D.C and Las Vegas, respectively). We all met up at the FSU v. UF game to cheer on our Seminoles! Apparently we weren't cheering loud enough....I don't want to talk about it. Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking. But it was just fabulous visiting and tailgating! #NoleFanForever

 

 

The end of Thanksgiving and the FSU/UF game mark the official beginning of the Christmas season. I met up with some Junior League gals at our local Painting With a Twist and made a new item for the house:

 

Yep - I'm an artist, now. No big deal.

 

 

The new art, plus our usual decorations, plus a whole new heap of decorations (after an emergency run to Hobby Lobby. The décor we had to decorate our townhouse barely covers a single room in our new house. That just would not do!) have all been put up, minus a Christmas tree and a few other finishing touches. Working on the tree....have I mentioned we're busy? Anyway, after the stocking were hung by the chimney with care (because I have a chimney now! How cool is that?!?!), we lit our first fire. As with everything else, it was wonderful.

 

October - all of it!

Yeah, it's December. Not even going start with the apologies or excuses. You know how it goes!Here's an October dump for ya.

 

 

Pumpkin picking to kick off the month!

 

 

 

 

 

With the pumpkins picked and carved, pumpkin spice lattes in hand, we began Halloween celebrations!

 

 

Candy Corn outfit for Halloween day. Thanks, Aunt Annette!

 

 

 

Tucker, his family, and Alisha came over for trick-or-treating! A little pre-costume photoshoot.

 

 

 

Quick costume change and some candy pre-gaming. Lily definitely has her eye on the prize!

Family pic! Happy Halloween!